In June of 2016 my father died. I never shed a tear. I did not miss him.
My father was not abusive in the sense that we often think of when we speak of a child being raised in an abusive situation. But he certainly had control issues. Without going into a lot of details, let me simply say that treatment I experienced from him and ways I saw him treat others left me with a lot of doubt as to how much the term “good” could be applied to his interactions with others.
Let’s be clear. I have always loved my father. I can probably sum it up best by relating my feelings when my dad had to have surgery to clear his carotid artery, which was very blocked. I would have laid on the operating table for him. But I also knew I would not shed a tear if he did not make it through the operation. (No, this was not what he died from).
Recently, however, I read the book Reconciliation: Healing the Inner Child by Thich Nhat Hanh. This book helped me see my dad in a whole new light. In this book, Hanh encourages the reader who is having trouble with a parent, living or dead, to imagine them as a child. Doing this with my dad really caused me to look at him in a whole new way. From things I have been told by him and others I know that his childhood was, to say the least, not the best in the world. As I imagined things that he experienced I began to have a lot more sympathy and understanding for him. If I had been through all of that I cannot say that I would have come out any better.
This way of looking at him has also caused me to wonder how many others I should be applying this perspective upon.
What if I had experienced factors shaping my character such as they?
The bottom line for this rambling is to say that I have been able to let go of a lot of my anger toward my dad and others as I apply this approach. Even though a lot of his actions toward me and others were harmful, forgiveness is coming easier. No, I still do not believe that he treated people as he should have. No, I still have not shed a tear at his passing. But I do find myself missing him a bit. More telling, I find myself wishing that I had treated him with more patience and understanding while he was alive.
Is there someone in your life that is causing you a lot of pain? I offer you this perspective to consider as you deal with them, whether they be alive or dead. I hope it will help ease the anger and/or pain you are experiencing from their treatment.
Think about it.
You are loved. Peace.
Comments